


Sweet Revenge

by ladyflowdi



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen, Humor, Missions Gone Wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-10
Updated: 2010-12-10
Packaged: 2017-12-24 14:06:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/940861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyflowdi/pseuds/ladyflowdi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"You can’t go around the universe taming wild beasts with chocolate and energy bars!”</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sweet Revenge

**Author's Note:**

> Part of my LJ-to-AO3 project.

There are few things in life more miserable than taking a cold shower on the coldest day of the year in the middle of an ice-frozen field, but if there are, Daniel couldn’t think of any. Every mortifying thing that had ever happened to him had coalesced into this mish-mash of freezing water, and giggling natives, and SG13.

The only thing that kept Daniel from running away screaming was A, the fact that he was covered head to toe in the most foul stench known to man, and B, that he wasn’t alone.

It was all SG13's fault. If they hadn’t scared the damned yak thing in the first place by leaping through the Stargate, gun’s blazing like they’d all just come from a John Wayne marathon, then maybe he and Jack wouldn’t have been sprayed head to toe with...

“Shit,” Jack muttered.

“I’d go for ‘fuck’, but maybe that’s just me,” Daniel said calmly.

Jack smirked from under his dark wet hair, ball cap firmly around what could _only_ be the same shrinkage Daniel was suffering under his hands. What he thought his cap was doing for him was a mystery. “Fuck. Fuckity fuck, fuck, fuck. Nice,” he crowed, and flipped off SG13, sitting calmly on the steps of the Gate platform a few yards off. Daniel wasn’t stupid, he saw the betting book going back and forth. “Ya hear that, Dixon?! FUCK!”

“Naw, shit!” Dixon yelled back.

“Smart ass,” Jack muttered, but if Daniel didn’t know any better, he’d have guessed that was a look of pride that crossed Jack’s face.

Daniel could see the job ad now. _Looking for a Colonel of fair health to lead SG1. Must be reasonably charming and clinically insane._

Daniel sneezed, and icicles fell off of the ends of his hair. 

“So, Daniel,” Jack began, shifting his hip to one side. 

“So, Jack,” Daniel said, sniffling and rubbing his cheek on one shoulder. 

“We’ve been at this, what, seven years?”

“Give or take.”

“Eight, if you count Abydos, right?”

“Sure.” Daniel didn’t dare look at his companion. 

“In all that time, Daniel, what has been our number one rule when going off world?”

“Don’t get killed.”

“Well, that. But what else?”

“Duck and roll when the natives shoot poisoned bamboo shoots at you?”

“And?”

“Never drink the water? Learned that one the hard way.”

Jack glared at the tree line to the left. “ _And_?”

Daniel relented. A cranky, naked Jack may actually be worse than a cranky, fully dressed Jack. “Don’t touch anything,” he said, a tad sulkily.

“Bingo!” The hand not holding his hat to his groin flew between them. Jack was definitely a hand talker, which in the current circumstances was fairly amusing to think about. “And what exactly did you _do_ , Daniel?”

“It’s not my fault!”

“Yes it is! You can’t go around the universe taming wild beasts with chocolate and energy bars!”

“He looked hungry! And I only did the chocolate thing once.”

“And caught a ride to Abydos tied to the leg of a beast that could have _killed_ you. Just like that...yak.... _thing_ could have killed you.” At Daniel’s look he snapped, “He could have!”

Daniel sighed, the wet strands on his forehead flopping up wetly. “All right, Jack.”

“Oh, I don’t _buy_ that.”

Daniel glared in his general direction. “Food is the great equalizer. As a linguist, and an anthropologist, I’ve been trained on how to approach a situation based on the social level of the community. Approaching the yak with food kept it from spraying us, didn’t it?”

“Uh, no!” Jack motioned to his body and glared directly at him. “Think not!”

“That’s only–“

“Time to turn, Colonel!” Dixon’s voice rang out. 

Daniel closed his eyes with mortification while Jack snarled something decidedly _un_ PC and turned under the spray, showcasing his ass to the roaring laughter of SG13. 

Daniel turned as well, ignoring the laughter and commentary from the peanut gallery. The water hit the entire length of his back, making him shudder with cold. 

“You’re good at thinking outside the box. Come up with something creative, Daniel.”

“This is their sweet revenge. You did recommend sending them to P32-211.”

“Which one was that?”

“The YenYen.”

“Oh, yeah!” And there was Jack’s good mood again. “With what’s his face – Reno.”

“Renuil. Who, if I remember correctly, promised a tour of every manufacturing plant in their city to the returning SG team.”

“Paper capital of the world!”

Daniel’s lips curved. “Eighteen plants.”

“They must’ve _hated_ us,” Jack said, delighted, as he glanced over his shoulder at Dixon, snickered, and beamed at Daniel. “We may have to let this one go. Paper Planet may hold over for at least two acts of retribution.”

“At least. After that, it’s fair game.”

“What’re you thinking?”

“Something petty, to piss them off, then finish them with that Jaffa summit coming up. Guard duty.”

Jack gave him a flash of dimple. “I like the way you think, Daniel.”

“Gotta put my hundred thousand dollar education to some use here.”

They heard a roar between them and both glanced back. 

The erstwhile yak, which had escaped into the forest, came charging, spewing. Jack jumped, Daniel ducked, and Dixon yelled, “Aw, fuck!”

“No, shit!” Jack crowed happily, and ducked his head back under the water.


End file.
